..:. Cracking My Vainpot .:.. - best-of-2005-6

Beautiful Californian

noreply@blogspirit.com (Cracked VAINPOT) — Fri, 23 Dec 2005 02:05:00 -0600

Sod individuality, sod talents, sod intellect, sod quick wit, sod sense of humour. Actually, sod anything & everything that you can't see.

Before gay California pay attention to any of these little details of yours, you have to get your chest size right. For that is THE unit of attractiveness on etched their scale.

People always say, "Stay true to yourself!", "Don't try to be anybody else!". But desparate situations warrant desparate measures.

In this super-competitive market economy of gay "love", I feel the pressure to tune in and update my brand image to suit today's trends and public demand, however shallow or common.

No more "I'm above this or that". Just give the consumers what they want to buy!

For scrawny little me, getting into the game means 2 teaspoons of Creatine before, 2 scoops of Whey protein after. Monday biceps, Tuesday triceps, Wednesday Body Pump, Thursday back & abs, Friday Chest, Saturday rest, Sunday StairMaster... plus, as Pi said, chicken breast, chicken breast, chicken breast, chicken breast, chicken breast and more chicken breast.

Once the merchandise is in production, marketing would be easy. Just strip and say "Show Time", whenever and wherever.

One thing I have yet to work out though.

As the expiry date approaches, how do you go on sale?

Horror-scope

noreply@blogspirit.com (Cracked VAINPOT) — Mon, 05 Dec 2005 04:35:00 -0600

Anyone who believes that every 1/12 of the world population, or 537,180,000 people, can share the same 'fate' each day, must be completely & utterly RETARDED.

I'm of course talking about those who believe in the horoscope. As an experimentalist, I HAVE to put my skepticism into test, just to be consistent.

Don't know which scope is the "best", if there can be one. So I went for horoscope.com and here is what they made of Capricorns for the past week:-

27 Nov Sun
"Don't let emotional matters upset you today. Compromise will be your best bet."
[I drowned both my cell phone, my camera and my iPod with Gatorade, but I wouldn't call it an "emotional matter" and I certainly wasn't the least unhappy about shopping.]

28 Nov Mon
"This is your day to convince everyone around you to pitch in and help you."
[Got the date wrong! My potential lab slave is only starting this Tuesday.]

29 Nov Tues
"Don't let someone take advantage of you because of your interest in him or her."
[More like: "Don't take advantage of him or her because of their interest in you." lol]

30 Nov Wed
"Everyone will want to join your team today."
[What? Turning gay for a day? So stupid.]

1 Dec Thurs
"You can charm your way into anyone's heart today."
[Daaa! That happens anyway...]

2 Dec Fri
"You will learn something that will help shape your future."
[Like what... black-grey crystal bracelet gives me happiness?]

3 Dec Sat
"Action will be the name of the game today."
[Yeah right! Me doing a runner was the only freaking ACTION! Why was that tall blondie so handsome but his breath so rotten-cavity-bad!???]

So, that's 0 out of 7. So who wants to be my controls & duplicates?

The Power of Being Fed Up

noreply@blogspirit.com (Cracked VAINPOT) — Tue, 25 Oct 2005 03:45:00 -0500

Every now and then some would say they're tired of their fluffy life and they still want to make a DIFFERENCE.

Usually from those "world-is-MY-oyster" fresh grads or some suddenly-30 premature mid-life crisis dreamers, I thought. Until I remember, ah yes, Rosa Parks. Her single act of civil disobedience that became a tipping point.

It IS possible.

"I am leaving this legacy to all of you ... to bring peace, justice, equality, love and a fulfillment of what our lives should be." - Rosa Parks

***

October 25, 2005

Rosa Parks, 92, Founding Symbol of Civil Rights Movement, Dies

Rosa Parks, a black seamstress whose refusal to relinquish her seat to a white man on a city bus in Montgomery, Ala., almost 50 years ago...

For her act of defiance, Mrs. Parks was arrested, convicted of violating the segregation laws and fined $10. In response, blacks in Montgomery boycotted the buses for nearly 13 months while mounting a successful Supreme Court challenge to the Jim Crow law that enforced their second-class status on the public bus system.

A Tiny Bit of Paris (5)

noreply@blogspirit.com (Cracked VAINPOT) — Tue, 18 Oct 2005 11:50:00 -0500

Went to this "legandary" gay club called La Queen on Champs-Elysee.

Not too sure in the beginning, especially when the guide book specifically said that it's really difficult to get a taxi when the metro stops, so a lot of Parisian just keep dancing til dawn!

Now or never, I thought. If I ever have to play homeless, let it be under the Arc de Triumph.

(No, the glizzy bridges won't do, all taken over by territorial homeless gangs with state-of-d-art camping tents.)

Soon as I walked in, all the boyz looked at me as if I have fangs. Well, naturally I stared back at them and my god! The place was full of crew cut hunks in stylish Parisian fashion!!

My type!! My type!! Here!! Here!!

As it was "Dance" night, standard British cheesy grooves filled the floor, making me feel very at home. Nice that they also played lots of French-Arabique techo tunes... oh gosh sooooo seductive. Funny that they had a stage too, with twinkies fighting over each other to get on it.

Just like in London.

Who said it's not genetic?!

With bottled champagne (that's what they served!) in my hand and Kylie on my feet, people quickly realised that I'm *in* the game, so the ancient ritual of cheek pinching began.

Given that I did't expect Parisians to speak any English at all, their "You, me, err seex? OK?" and "HOTel? Posseeeble?" sounded really impressive. This guy who said "I like Asiatique boyzz. Skin, err differAnt!" must have been practising at home.

Cute twink or hot hunk? twink or hunk? Oh sort it. One each, S'il Vous Plaît!

Towards the end, I had to leave. This creepy photographer just wouldn't stop flashing at me. Quickly out onto Champs-Elysées, down the Metro and got on the super-quiet rubber wheels.

Are the frogs filthy promiscuous serial-one night stand sex pigs like the rest of the world? Do they set the bar in romance? I guess I'll never know.

Great Little Britain

noreply@blogspirit.com (Cracked VAINPOT) — Tue, 27 Sep 2005 17:25:00 -0500

When I told people I was going to London, some responded by saying "So you're having tea with the Queen?".

Well, close. I met Chris Patten, the ex-Queen of Hong Kong.

He is out and about this evening, promoting his new book, "Not Quite d Diplomat". Given the mess he made by the end of his 'reign', I guess he has got the title right. For sentimental reasons, I forked out 7 quid and poked my nose in.

Life as the "Serial Chancellor" of Newcastle and Oxford University must be swell, all those high table dinners, coz my first impression was, "God you're fat!". Even bigger than when he was Hong Kong's favourite "Fat Pang" back in 97'. Most startlingly, he somehow resembled Uncle Tong, the one to whom he handed over HK to.

Now that Chris's no long an European commissioner, he seemed very relaxed (and quite funny too). Naturally, he started off at his departure from HK,

"As I landed at Heathrow terminal 3 waiting for a taxi, that's when the British Empire ended."

He then went on to mock everyone from Blair to Putin, Bush, Sharon, and of course Maggie Thatcher and all her successors.

Originally, I wanted to ask him questions like:

"With all of its significant colonies now gone, should Great Britain be renamed Little Britain?",

or have him to comment on colonialism.

But he did bring back all the good memories from the glorious past...

... when HK was "the free-est city in Asia", "spectacularly stable" & "successful", 35 years of uninterrupted economic growth, year after year of tax cut & increase in spending whilst still have enough extra cash to dump into the foreign reserve, effective police force, the most uncorrupted civil service...

... long b4 bird flu/SARS/collapse of the stock & house markets.

Plus I needed to ask him for autographs, so I had to be a good boy.

As it turned out, he was extra lovely extra nice to me, signing all my books and chatted to me the longest... asking about my HK family/school/research, even agreed to have this picture taken!

Only two years ago, I queued up for 2h to vote against him during the election of Oxford's new Chancellor, trying to stop him from colonizing me twice over. It has to be a love-hate thing...

Would you date yourself?

noreply@blogspirit.com (Cracked VAINPOT) — Sun, 27 Mar 2005 16:35:00 -0600

Saturday night in Badland (club). Surrounded by walls of MTV, dancing next to 2 muscle Mary (and their 4 big tits). All the different types of boys I've ever met in my shallow pathetic life were there.

The trashy 21yo bobbing his head; the gym bunny who just couldn't keep his top on; the smiley Asian who could actually be 5-10 years older than you think; the college jock refusing to loose his composure; the 30 something professional standing on the side with his hands crossed; the trendy indie boys who looked like they're too good for you...

What's funny was that people seem to hang out with others who look/dress/gel like themselves. Sometimes, you even see the tallest person chatting up the other tallest person in the club.

Are we looking for our identical twin lost in the original Greek mythology beamed back from a parallel universe?

Are we looking for another version of ourselves?

Would you really date yourself?

Mojito

noreply@blogspirit.com (Cracked VAINPOT) — Mon, 21 Feb 2005 02:35:00 -0600

Went to this gorgeous restaurant called Luna Park with Mr MBA last night. Red velvet curtains, cute chandeliers, reminded me of the bohemian Fillmore.

The place was soo popular that you *have* to sip cocktail for an hour whilst waiting to be seated. Mr MBA was lovely and so was the plastic little mermaid on my Mojito. Not complaining at all.

Then, out of the blue, two more mojitos arrived.

A lady across the bar bought them for us, the waiter said. How sweet, I thought. Something that has never happened to me b4. I looked over, saw this modern looking lady in her 40s, and toasted them for the drinks.

She subsequently walked up with a smile and said to me "You remind me so much of myself. I've been watching you two, your gesture, how intrigued and interested you seem in what he was saying."

"lol Yes he is quite interesting." I replied.

"You glorify him. You're like the frame and he's the picture."

Mr MBA was kind enough to debate that I was the picture instead, but I was already impressed by how surreal & modern San Francisco can be.

Two gay boys in a straight place, attracting not odd stares but favourable attention. Given the right "picture", I don't mind being the "frame" at all.

Rice Queen 101

noreply@blogspirit.com (Cracked VAINPOT) — Tue, 08 Feb 2005 00:20:00 -0600

Since the Lunar New Year is coming up, it's probably a good time to remind all the rice queens & Gwai-Lo how to behave in a Chinese Restaurant. Although I risk being patronizing/middle age, previous dating traumas told me this is 101% necessary.

1) General rule of Close-ur-Mouth-whilst-u-Chew applies.

2) General rule of Cover-whilst-u-Cough applies. Esp when you risk shooting rice missiles/noodle coming out of ur nostrils.

3) Chopsticks are for chopsticking. Don't point/bang/drum/stab/lick/play-fangs with them. Unless you're twelve.

4) Please don't be boring - steer away from Sweet-n-Sour Pork/Spring Roll/Won-Tun Soup/Egg Fu-Yung or in fact anything that you can get from Panda Express for $5.29 on a lazy Wednesday. What is freaking Chicken Chowmein anyway? As descriptive as Veg Spagetti or whatever.

5) If you're Chinese, use bowls. If you use bowls, pick it up. If you pick it up, elbows OFF the table.

6) Pick up pieces with "dish"spoon/chopsticks to avoid spreading Hep A.

7) When dishes arrive, offer them to the seniors/guests even if you hate them.

8) Refrain from fishing/finding the best piece of meat YOURself. It's immensely tacky. Smile nicely to mummy until she gives it to you.

9) Pick only from YOUR side of the dish. Turn the dish if you really must aim for that far-away chicken bum.

10) Yes, deep-fried Seaweed is just Cabbage. +MSG. Loads.

(Nb: Bathroom? At your own risk.)

Martin Luther King Jr Day

noreply@blogspirit.com (Cracked VAINPOT) — Tue, 18 Jan 2005 01:55:00 -0600

40 years.

I still find it hard to believe, that it has only been 40 years, since the 1964 Civil Right Act was passed, since America started to become the "Land of the Free" that it's supposed to be, since equality/civil rights were extended to African American.

That's almost a century after slavery was abolished. Why so long? Why?

If MLK hadn't led that peaceful protest seeking racial integration, if the protestors weren't attacked by police dogs and cattle prods, if JFK hadn't seen all these on TV, feel sick and support the Civil Right Act, if JFK wasn't assinated and gave the Act a psychological leverage... would the Act have passed? How equal would America be now?

I remember this picture that made me cried. The Little Rock Nine.

Nine 15yo African American students tried to enter the previously all-white Central High School, Little Rock, for the first time in 1957. A mob of angry white students threatened to hang them, and greeted them with dynamite sticks and acid spray. The Arkansas Governor sent National Guard Soldiers to the school just to stop the black kids from going to that school.

Why so vicious? Why was it so bad for everyone to be equal? Why do their ugly faces look so much like that of anti-gay evangelicals?

Separate is rarely equal. Applicable across races & genders, why not sexual orientations?

Don't Civil Union us! Marry us! This is my dream.

Homo-NATURAL (2)

noreply@blogspirit.com (Cracked VAINPOT) — Sat, 15 Jan 2005 20:25:00 -0600

Pseudo-rationales behind the "Gay-not-natural" homophobic stand are so outdated and irrelevant. Let's put a stop to it all.

My bottom-line is, if you STILL think it's unnatural, then don't be gay! But don't stop others from finding happiness.

1) "Gays can't procreate. It's fruitless."

BS! Haven't you heard of gays and lesbians raising their own family? They are as capable of conceiving as anyone else. By the same token, should Fathers, monks, nuns, sterile couples, childless yuppies all be put into shame as well?

2) "God created Adam & Eve not Adam & Steve."

BS! Is your name Adam or Eve? Did their kids practise incest to give birth to a third generation again? Nice story on high moral ground indeed.

3) "Most people fall for the opposite sex. Gays are amongst the minority."

BS! So? Is this bullying? Most people have black hair in this world. Should blondies and brunettes dye themselves black too?

4) "There're no gay animals in the wild"

You should read more, really, not that gay blowjobs between dolphins makes a difference to human morality.

5) "Gay relationship never last."

BS! How long has Elton John been with his manager again? Have you not heard of the *straight* word "divorce"?

6) "Same-sex couples are competitive."

BS! So we shouldn't have brothers and same-sex friends either?

7) "Anal sex is wrong. Ass is for shit."

BS! Ya hands are not "obvious" sex organs either, why don't you stop wanking?! Being gay does NOT necessarily mean anal sex. Some straight couples have anal sex too. If it's anal sex you're against, then don't do it!

8) "Gays are promiscuous."

BS! So you're ok with Lesbianism? All men are promiscuous, period. Haven't you heard of 7 years itch? Why do you think prostitution is so ingrained throughout human history? The male brain is supposedly programmed by evolution to spread his seeds and pass on as many genes as possible, since men do not directly invest resources in rasing young children. In some birds up to 1/3 of all youngs are conceived after "one-night?-stands"!