..:. Cracking My Vainpot .:..

"WHY DO YOU WEAR THAT??!!"

"YOU THINK IT WAS A GOOD THING??!!"

With palpable shock on her face and genuine fear in her voice, she told me off like an angry mother to her mischievous son.

If you were in China you would be in jail, she said with a frown.

Today is the 20th anniversary of the 1989 pro-democracy protest in Beijing and its tragic end. The single life-changing event of my generation.

To commemorate, I went to work today wearing my version of Jeff Widener's icon photo depicting a column of Communist tanks crushing the Chinese character "people".

One thing about working in a lab is that I'm always surrounded by scientists from mainland China. They were clearly uncomfortable when I talked to them about June 4th. Although most of them were mere bystanders during the incident, a few were actually there in the capital demonstrating and had to cope with the bloody aftermath.

To my surprise, not everyone was sympathetic to the 89' student movement. One was positively hostile even. But for sure, none of them has any problem enjoying freedom and liberty now that they're part of the democratic society of America.

Here are their stories and opinions, uncensored.

"We thought we were so powerful. We thought we had the whole world behind us."

"We thought by protesting we could solve all of China's problems, the political problem of having a centrist government."

"I was at home studying English but my boyfriend was there at the square the night before it happened. I remember calling him on June 2nd and there was this rumor that the Army will enter and take over the campus (Peking University) and arrest us all and send us to Tibet or something."

"At the front, we had innocent students who had read about Western ideas. Behind them were these bad people, the mob, trying to take advantage of the situation. The government lost control and, of course, they had to turn to the military for help just like any government would have."

"Shocking? Of course it was shocking! We have not seen that kind of blood shed within the city walls of Beijing for almost a hundred years before that."

"Those 18 yo in the Army has never pulled the trigger at anyone, so they were scared. Most the students have never seen a gun before. When somebody point a gun at you, you won't even know where to hide."

[VP: How would you respond to people who refer to June 4th as a riot?]

Well towards the end, we saw people being set on fire and burnt alive. That one guy was wearing this army uniform and, sure, anyone can wear that type of common cheap green color clothing. But it was just horrendous to see burnt bodies being mutilated.

[VP: Did it change your life in any way? You came to the USA soon after. Was that why?]

"Well no. I was born "an American" (laugh), even though I was born in China, cos I was always interested in Western cultures. The world outside was just so much more interesting then our own. I have always wanted to come regardless."

* * *

"After that year we all became very practical, focusing on making (sign: money) and see how the economy took off?!"

* * *

One of my classmates, she got arrested.

* * *

"No I wasn't but my husband was there in Beijing."

* * *

"I was finishing my Master degree in Shan Dong. My tutor was this hot-blooded idealist. They all went to Beijing to show support, so my classroom was completely empty. None of my friends died cos they came back early."

* * *

"People are more rational now."

* * *

"Democracy?! Just look at Amerca. This democracy is just an illusion. Look at South Korea, look at Taiwan. They have democracy but the governments are just as corrupted and chaotic." [a Communist Chinese]

* * *

"No, you can't mention June 4th officially. But it has somehow got more relaxed now. One of my lecturers even spoke about it in class."

* * *

"Yeah I was there, until the night before it happened..."

"About... 20 meters away from me, there was a row of soldiers with their rifles pointing towards us. One of them was holding a flag up. Should the flag ever come down, they'd fire right away (and they did on the wee hours of June 4th)."

[VP: There were 150,000 people in Hong Kong, attending a candle vigil.]

"Yeah. I'm glad... saw it in the news."

"But I'm also kinda worried. Even in Hong Kong, the central government seemed to have infiltrated the system (and try to suppress the memory of June 4th)."

"These kids (new students from China) they don't know anything about it. Even if they've heard of it, they won't understand the true meaning of the event."

[VP: Has it changed your life?]

(nod slowly whilst staring away)

[VP: Have you changed your perception of the events over the years?]

"Nope."

[VP: Do you ever think about it?]

"It's something that you can never forget. You just... live with it."

[I have a lot more questions for him. My sister wants me to tell him how very proud we are of him, but I just had to excused myself before he got too overcome with emotions...]

It's been 20 years, but for some, the memories of the brutal past are still haunting as ever.